from my nose to yours.

I have a cold;an annoying cold. I haven't had a common cold for years. I haven't written for even longer it would seem. Apparently it takes a runny nose to create some sort of an ache to write. I have a miserable nose just waiting to fall asleep but all I can think about is writing a long awaited blog which won't be viewed by many anyhow. Nonetheless, my ache to write has overthrown my achy nose.

Here goes...(sorry nose)

I talked to a good friend of mind today and she reminded me that I love to write. She reminded me who I was and the gifts I bring to my classrooms as I patiently teach them how to become better writers.

I'm on a break from teaching at the moment but I must admit I do miss it. As challenging as it is to attempt to get twenty-five 18 year olds to embrace composition,I'm always up for the challenge it would seem(well, most of the time...).

I was reminded today how much I care about my students and the success they have in their lives. My classes have always been geared towards the interest of the student, whether this be putting together an interesting collaborative assignment for their sake or extending the due date of a paper;however, I'm beginning to change my definition of "student's interest". For example, if a student deserves a B, they receive a B, no negotiations or extra credit benefits(particularly at the end of the semester). Setting boundaries for myself is what I strive for in my current position. I don't feel "being nice" or "popular" is the key to a successful classroom, only detrimental to student learning. I am there to facilitate learning. I am there to create a safe atmosphere where students feel free to become themselves as composition and rhetoric requires this of its students.

I will set boundaries for myself as an instructor and commit to them fully throughout the semester. This will require reminding myself that these boundaries exist for a reason: to create successful students and successful writing. Period.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I conclude this blog. good night nose. Feel better tomorrow.

A Little bit of prose for you...

I consider myself a writer, I do. However, this doesn't mean I always want to write. At times, my mind doesn't have a particular topic to discuss. After I had the baby, I assumed I'd have to pry my hands away from the keyboard,but this couldn't have been further from my reality these past few months. In fact, I haven't had the urge to write until tonight.

A bit sad, I am. A bit sad, indeed. No details necessary for my audience, at this point, but my inner drive to write was quite apparent. My night would be sleepless without it;writing. Sadness may not be the appropriate word, instead,lonely in my thoughts. I consider myself a writer, I do. I need these words to release my hinderance of a mind.

My baby is perfect, my job is perfect, my husband is perfect, and my home is not perfect but comfortable and satisfying, nonetheless;me, I'm imperfect in all of this perfection, alone in my thoughts, everyday, all day, invisible.

I consider myself a writer, I do.

I'm waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I love my daughter. I love my life from a secondary point of view. I love my husband from a secondary point of view. I love you. Myself: I'm finally comfortable, this is palpable, but invisible too. I'm waiting.

I consider myself a writer. Yes.

On becoming a mommy...and purpose.

I had my baby girl, Anastasia, 7 days ago. My life is forever different, really.

For some reason I always remember this scene in Sophia Coppola's film, Lost in Translation, with Bill Murray and Scarlet Johansen (sp?). They are both lying on the hotel bed in Tokyo and Scarlet's character is asking him questions about being married and about the responsibilities of fatherhood, yada yada yada. Bill's character is attempting to explain the overwhelming feeling of fatherhood and he does this by stating specific words. He describes the feeling before the birth of the child and then explains how differently one feels after the birth of the child: (something like this, can't recall it verbatim) "Your life, as you know it, is over."
This particular dialogue in this particular film has petrified me for years! Well, at least for as long as the movie has been out. This phrase rang true with me on so many levels and I always came back to it when I thought about having children before I was married and even after I was married. I feared my life would be over in general, I suppose. Perhaps I believed my initial purpose in life would be non-existant? Who knows...

Presently, I definitely have a perspective that I didn't have those long 7 years ago...Having Anastasia (although only for one week) has changed my life: the life I lived before delivery is over (as Bill suggested), but much to my surprise, I'm kinda happy about it. There was essentially something missing in my life this past year, and the thought never occurred to me that it might be having children.
Having tried to explore who I was these past few years-and then some-I am now excited to see what I learn from this precious being who will shape and mold my life in the weeks and years to come. And as far as my initial purpose in life, it's still there. It might be on hold for a bit but I'm thinking Anastasia will catapolt me back onto that path and motivate me beyond my capacity.

Until then....

SODALITE

Sodalite in ancient Greece.

A few weeks back I facilitated a creative writer's workshop and brought a particular crystal with me (I placed it in my pocket) that would, hopefully, inspire my spirit throughout the course. The crystal:sodalite. As I am a new seeker of crystals and their folkloric methods, (2 years: off again, on again) I admit, as I carried this particular crystal, on this particular day, I was unaware of its name and true gemstone message. I did, however, remember its keen connection to creativity which is why I was carrying it to begin with.

When I pulled the stone out of my pocket and placed it on the table during the workshop(just out of pure habit), a student asked: "what stone is that?" Although at the time I simply stated my bewilderment of my absentmindedness, I could feel the humility set before me, my plain embarrassment of the lack of knowledge I had on this stone.

When I came home later that night and thought about the strengths and weaknesses of the workshop, I came to my own conclusion that I either need to proceed with my interest of crystals or give it up. There's a certain amount of power and connection to gemstones but if the belief and discipline are not there, to be frank, what's the point? It's a fun hobby, I suppose, but rather pointless and fairly unaffordable if you don't plan on embracing them.
:
So, I've rediscovered this little creative stone of mine:sodalite. I realize that its historical significance to ancient Greece must have been what originally inspired me about this crystal. Artists and singers alike carried sodalite as it was believed to promote inspiration and creativity while also providing protection. The dark blue stone with white streaks of calcite is believed to be ideal for spiritual harmony too.

Although I possess several crystals and they lie preciously around the house, and in my car, and sometimes in my starbucks apron, etc...I have once again reminded myself why I was drawn to them over two years ago. They each serve a purpose in my life and instead of ignoring their presence, I must rekindle their purpose. And I'll tell you what happens...

29 Weeks, 11 to go

Wow! Today marks my 29th week in pregnancy! I'm still feeling pretty well but (if I can
be honest) not as well as a month ago. This weather is killing me! Alright, enough with the venting. Ted and I are extremely excited for "little" Anastasia to come. The due date is still set
for August 8th but we'll see what happens with this.

After two baby showers and a plentiful amount of gifts from friends and family alike, I feel mostly ready for this precious baby to come into our lives. The nursery isn't quite finished but we have everything we need to last us for a few months, at best. Perhaps more diapers may be needed though...

I feel so blessed to have the support of family and friends during my pregnancy and cannot wait to share Anastasia with the rest of the world.

Chakras

I read this book entitled Chakras and Archetypes a few years back and just recently
opened it up again. I forgot how amazing and helpful this book was! While reading this book
I realized how different of a person I am now compared to who I was in 2005. There are several differences to who I am now opposed to 2005 but what stood out the most was simply the reader in me. My current eyes are so much more present and wise. They are also more aware of who I really am and what journey must come next in my life. I am positive of this.

In 2005 I was definitely still a trapped soul. I mean, yea, I was on the spiritual journey...I had completed several transformational workshops, I volunteered my time in order to serve others on their spiritual journey, I was participating in yoga and various other meditation workshops on a weekly basis, I traveled out West to attend an Illumination Intensive, I had a spiritual teacher, and I was seeking out a shaman to heal my supposedly wounded past. Yes, all of these, really! But I wanted to achieve my highest level of self in such a short amount of time, that was my real issue. I couldn't quite see the process as a continual journey, but only a fast resolution to my victimized inner-child. I used love and peace as my affirmations on life but was still not able to communicate my truth to many people I loved. The female warrior inside of me was a bit weak and wanted every possible confrontation to end in total bliss and harmony.

Now,however, I simply no this is not possible, at least not if my happiness depends on it. I must stop being the "silent child" and communicate what really must be said. Of course, this energy should come from a place of power and love but in order for me to "be me" I must also acknowledge myself at my lowest level and this is usually when I'm not communicating something that I feel needs to be communicated. Which, of course, then leads me to self-destruction and sadness.

Back in 2005, I was unaware that my throat chakra was completely void of truth to some degree. I could feel the energy trapped there but didn't quite have the tools to let it out.
Flashforward to 2010: I do have the tools and I'm using them!!!

Reflective by: A.R. Ammons

I found a
weed
that had a

mirror in it
and that
mirror

looked in at
a mirror
in

me that
had a
weed in it


Professor Thomas Joswick introduced me to this poem in an American Literature course back in graduate school. At times this poem rings so true with me, and at other times, I'm not sure I completely grasp the entirety of the message.

The obvious message is reflection of one's self: look in the reflection to understand yourself, connect with yourself, yada yada yada...But as I read this poem several times a week as it embraces the surface of the fridge, I wonder, is its message really that simple?

So I will continue to read this plentiful poem by A.R. Ammons in hopes that a clearer and more graceful message looks back at me.

It's a girl!

I am almost 21 weeks pregnant and will be having a little baby girl. Being pregnant and realizing I will be a mother in a short amount of time is both exciting and overwhelming. I feel more in tune with my desires and spiritual awarenesses than I was 6 months ago. Suddenly,becoming the writing teacher I've always dreamed of achieving seems more simple than ever. I know with real motivation and strong desire to fulfill my higher calling, I will succeed on this particular journey.



Even with all of this new insight though and happiness swirling around me, I still plan on enjoying every bit of silent solitude life brings to me. For it won't be so silent in a few months!

Writing as a therapy tool...

Writing has always been a means of expressing my inner critique, if you will, a way
in which to tell myself and a higher power my inner weaknesses and doubts. It's also a tool; however, in which to share what I'm most proud of, something I think most of us find difficult to do. Positive sharings of the heart aren't nearly as accepted as the negative sharings in our hearts, or perhaps, as humans, we don't know quite how to handle one's ecstatic explanation of one's life. Either way, writing is important to me, I see it as a therapy of sorts. I'd like to continue the teaching of writing but add elements of therapy to it, opposed to just simply teaching the academic styles of writing. Writing as a therapy is what I'd like to venture upon next. I'm on my way to fulfilling this goal (I teach adult continuation writing classes at a nearby college as well as classes for the park district,)but in the future, making money while creating a larger community of learners are part of the larger plan.